born to die

I
wakeup finally
as reality cements itself
to state 
in material terms of reference now
an exist of sorts
beyond all dreams

Held 
very fondly
in its nurturing embrace
I suckled
for evolve…a self…coming of age
child to a man
burnished by experience

Love
moved all
both being and craving soul
in givens…and denial
mesmerized by both desire and my need
to be more
then a statement of facts

Alas
imaginations spell
an illusion simply unsustainable
grew tired
visons blurred by searching realities
undressed and naked
on my altar of truth

Exposed
sacrificed to the glare
of reason looking for answers
our magic died
impaled by the armour of self-survival
perpetrator and saviour
cast in snares of acceptence

Calm
rules over chaos
banished…to subliminal depths
now plumbed rarely 
Still life…savours in a stattaco fix
found memories…relived
to soothe an aching heart

Till 
I sleep…once more
to dream of the impossible
realms without limits
as death frees all of lifes compulsions
asleep or awake
I rest…in peace

 

…just being…

I walked this earth
in deference
to my exist
a choice to be
not mine
but a consequence
of love
between two who cared
for each other
and me too
when I came about to be
in their celebration
of feeling

My make up
a story of life evolving
ingrained in new form
a body of substance
of todays…and perhaps some day
as ethereal and timeless
as the soul itself
my essence…say some…
a mere reflect
of an almighty creation
say others…
and off course
sheer chemistry…claim the fringe

I was conscience
at a level I could comprehend
so much remains hidden
as I lack surely
sensibility of the rest
my id
insulates me from my fundamental
elemental formations
in this an imagine…of being greater
than my layered parts
that test theory…constantly
as each facet, in suicidal demands of mastery
underline their import

Am I a congress
of the many
seeking a voice
in this transition of evolve
Am I…?
who I think I am
or just a journey in quest
to another place
another space
a newer dimension
or just one more nuanced layering perceived
in a progression of discovery
for purpose

A goal
of posts perpetually  moving 
receding in and out
of focus
non constant and ever dynamic
not a prisoner of stasis
am I
a distill
of an innate narcissism
assigning importance
to my being
my opinion
and my voice

Is this my song
or a wail of lament
on knowing satisfyingly
my assessments
as irrefutable truths
captivated by a prejudiced need
or am I in the end
a fragment of a dream
that pervades the cosmos
as just
so much gas
spinning a story…expansive

of I think…therefore…I am

RAMBLINGs IN THE LIGHT AND DARK…AND IN ITS INBETWEENS

.

THERE WAS STILL SILENCE HANGING LIKE A PALL OF GLOOM ON THIS EVENING OF MY LIFE. I HAD LIVED IN A SENSE, A HYPHENATED EXIST BETWEEN WISHES THAT DREAMED OF IMPOSSIBLES AND ACTION THAT DID NOT QUITE MEASURE UP TO THE POTENTIAL, I PROMISED.

I YEARNED WITHOUT REGRET OF TIMES OF SO MUCH MORE GENTILITY, NOW GONE BY. AS I DID TO, FOR THE FRENETIC THRILL OF CARELESS LIVING ON THE EDGE, THAT TODAY’S HIGH OCTANE IMMERSE RAN ON.

PROSTITUTING ON THE STREET OF OPPORTUNITY, CHOICES BECKONED. I ROSE TO THE OCCASION IN WELCOMING A SEDUCTION OF THE SENSES BY THE YOUTHFUL HIGH OF AN ADRENALIN RUSH. IN STARK CONTRAST I WILLINGLY SUBMITTED IN SPIRIT TO THE SPELL OF A LANGOUROUS HAZE. A MYSTIQUE SAMPLED IN THE SLOW AND AGONIZINGLY EXQUISITE SAVOURING OF FINE VINTAGE.

IN ITS MANY COLOURS, LIFE GATHERED ME UP IN ITS TEMPESTOUS ARMS. IT DELIVERED ME FROM MY WOMB OF EXPERIENCE OF OLDER TRAILS TO A NEW WORLD NO LONGER RAW OR UNFELT IN ITS DEEPER NUANCES. I HUNG LOOSE, FREED OF INHIBITIONS THAT HAD DOGGED ME EARLIER.

I ENJOY FROLICKING IN THIS NEW-FOUND LIBERTY. IT PERMEATES MY SOUL IN WILD GUSTS OF ABANDON, A CURIOUSITY URGINGLY EXPANSIVE, PERPETUALY IN SEARCH FOR NEW BOUNDARIES.

PERCIEVED BORDERS OF MY LIMITS ARE OFTEN NOT CREATIONS OF CIRCUMSTANCE BUT OF COURAGE IN MY OWN CONVICTIONS. MY  BELIEFS DETERMINE  WHERE I CAN GO AND WHERE I CAN NOT GO…YET.

IT IS AN ARTICLE OF FAITH INHERENT IN MY HUMANITY, OFTEN CHANNALIZED INTO A WORSHIP OF THE HEROIC. IDEALIZED ICONS,  REPRESENTED IN FAMILAR SYMBOLS OF  MY SELF CHOSEN VOCABULARY OF EXPRESSION.

I SEE IT AS A ‘GODS’ WAY OUT OF MY FINITE ENDS. A ROAD TO SALVATION PAST THE ULTIMATE DEMISE OF MY OWN FLESH. I PRAY AND ACT TO LIVE ON AND BEYOND MY CONFINES. A FONDLY HELD WISH FOR THE HEAVENS GLITTERING  TEMPTINGLY ABOVE SOME…PERCIEVED HELLS I WAS SEEMINGLY BORN TO ENDURE. I LIVE AS ALWAYS IN HOPE…A HALLMARK OF MY HUMANITY. OFTEN A SOURCE OF MY FOLLY AND EQUALLY OFTEN, MY GREATEST STRENGTH.

UNTIL…I  FINALLY REST IN PEACE.

BY RSR  NEW DELHI  JAN 09

amused conscience…

I wait on you…
for you in truth…
shadow my exist
and embroider it too
at its fringes with a quality…
soo feelingly nice
yet subjective
to realities I witness
bound by all…you perceive
as significant

and

So…I be
a castaway
in essence…bottled…a message
embellished in shades
of gray stoned pedestals…
to buttress waves
that may lash or lap recurringly
as you probe worlds for an imagery
felt and seen in colors
of your sensitivity

and

Anchored in reflection
you search
for your signature…
in the light you favor
of knowledge…you trust too
choose or not to choose
in asking for inner ratification
on who am i…
and who…can i be…and what
is or was the meaning of this

and

Then you give
me a name
a badge to justify
that…which wears easy
on your shoulder and your act
as I between your thoughts
am rooted in the chinks
of worded flow
a subtle glue of unsaids
shaping…and shoring…your express

you

Have me…use me well
for so many…have none
to help you sift
from values on call…for a price
of affordable lives
a currency..torn between ideals
and a pragmatism that is never free
of risk..or quests for gain
for better…or worse
a breach of faith

by

Transient Gods…
who’s symbols
stamp hard on an eternity
of faithful worship… of followers
who be speckles of insignificance
to leaders at work
on your greater canvas…of ambitions
aspired to…in this here and now
and not on tomorrows promise…or its heroes
to adore…as i eavesdrop

and

Weigh desire
contextual to your needs
I serve…to highlight probable conflicts
of interest…versus an evolved resolution
as your immediate happiness
counts…over all else
even as I go slow…for you to move on
sensitized in understanding
that if you so wish… I would die to…frequently
to see you free and clear…

 

Big Bang Prayers

 

I live
in moments  that mark me and mine
by immerse

In my measure
as always a dynamic balance
of relative scales

Not absolutes
static and ponderous but a mobility
wedded to transience

A loose define
yet..in essence a better reflection
of nature’s innate continuity

A sensibility limited
sadly…to only an evolved capacity
to savor and comprehend

The immediate
concerns…partly yet purposefully blind
to present…today’s gifts

As roving eyes
one with roots mining past experience…versus
another tugged…by fresh promise

A youthful temptress
adept at nourishing my vintage roots…of disquiet
chaos and confusion

An ethereal vortex
spun out… by ambition and focus…birthing
a tickling curiosity

Forever…milking perceptions
for supportive ‘facts’ to huddle and cling to
for protective mothering

Of thoughts expressed…feeding
hunger and denial in ones rebellion for truths
taking shapes…in a poets poetry

Soulful cries
often unheard amidst the blind…lament and celebration
of worded outreach…straining

To grasp impossibles
dreams…that touch hopefully…worshipped Gods 
by holding a torch…to distant stars

A galeatic spin
apparent only in lonely distancing…or virtual faith
 cyclically diminishing or expanding space

Drawn to drown …now
and forever…in big black holes…craving absolution
in super-scalar seduction

By outer beauty
an attractive fire…obscuring inner turmoils surrender
that all of substance…gravitate to

As personal space
be swallowed whole by longings crushing embrace
loosing all…to ‘singularity’…a goal

For final solace
seeking sweet release…of all consciences to the ultimate
high of ecstasy…in oblivion

ramblings…

It is time
fast paced or slow
in which
the gravity of experience
is individually prioritized
scales of quality
breathe self awareness
Spoken of, in and to
vide mediums of interpret
in their language
hushed tones of mystique
spawning privilege
for those better informed
or bohemian chaos
stoking bewilderments froth
blown away…in cheers
by limiting grasp
in articulation, confusion, insensitivity
or the sulk of non-motivation
and luck of circumstance
of wave functions
to-n-fro mood swings…tidal
between perceptual opposites
clandestine lovers
playing a game
of stolen kisses
dark and light
simple and complex
twine untwine
in and out
of bit parts ordained
by a history
each chooses to remember
roles…on realities stage
or in dreams
of orgasmic nows
I/We seek it
for pleasures
amidst…this life’s pains
and in now
for who knows of another
tomorrow
it feels…so distant
heavens a promise too far
perhaps hell
is the quickie…available…succulent
and on call…

…Soulmate Dreams…

Perhaps you

Came to me my love
as a breath of fresh air
toying past swirling locks of norm…to weave mystique
as spirits glowed in shadow dance
to cast a spell of charms that blew away musty cobwebs
once chains of depression…that had bound me
to false stands

Chained long to rocks
riddled by doubt
I believed in clinging on…to perceptual anchors
trusted…amidst relates of uncertain promise
risky affairs…dying for lack of courage…or conviction
as I had felt and was made to feel
limited in mine own eyes

Or of peers I sought
support from…to shoulder
and to lean on as mine were weighed down
in misery of scars
that marked in unwitting pain prejudice and insensitivity
my soul’s need
to be more than what it is or was

Until your envelopment
in a sense…set me free
as caring…freely given…opened doors to worlds
of stars glinting like your eyes
amidst a lonely dark emptiness…inspiring in their touch
a withered life…of seeking…please…a god
to find heaven with

Perhaps you

 

 

on pathways of existence

 

On paths

we ‘choose’

or those

we are in essence

pushed on to

and those

we stumble upon

as chance…asserts defining  power

over chaos

in our lives

 

We

call it

‘free’ choice

in fig-leaf assertion

of egos need

assertive in defense

while on attack

at questions…questioning

fears we fear to raise

…or understand…

 

YES

we are presumably

perceptually at least

in control

not puppets

strung out in chorus

singing at a ‘lords’ behest’

or a lady…called luck

or that androgynous temptress

called hope against hope

 

We dance

in gay dalliance

with truth…so lost…in musical stupor

conscience paralyzed

for so much is beyond us

in this cannonade of life’s events

actions-reaction

ultimately…going to pot

seeking exit…in highs deliverance

from drowning in immerse

 

We relate

you and I

in bonds transcendental

labeled enemy or friend

victims…collaborators…perpetuators…of love

and hates collateral damage

in interact…dying

for an another…idea’s survival

some God’s inviolate rules

as Devils play

 

…In a world that says…

in truth…I am

Maya’s illusion

…am I…me…

?

 

OB i TS

in demise

people held dear
for a lifetime…shared
values that modulated…and were
in turn
creatures of their own
times and circumstance

bared

by passing
friends…in freedom…lost-n-found
from the anchors
or chains…of the past
caricatures…of relates evolving
in equates…of exist

a ground

a pristine canvas
fragile…in its clean break
from life’s bonds
or…of convention
papered over…in fragile legitimacy
of today’s…mantra

a new take

in ethereal rebirth
of the spirit aged…to maturity
seeking renewal beyond
in forgive and forget
of life’s momentary…misdeeds or greatness
that we seek…to drown

…for perpetuity…

 

OR

in demise
people held dear
for a lifetime…shared
in values modulated…that were…in turn
creatures of their own
times and circumstance…bared

by passing
friends…lost to freedom
or in convenience…lost-n-found
anchors or chains…to a past
or as caricatures…in relates evolving
in equates of exist…a ground

a canvas
pristine yet fragile…
in its clean break
from life’s bonds…or of convention
papered over…in legitimacy
of today’s mantra…a new take

a rebirth
of spirits…aged…in seeking
renewal beyond maturity
in snatched moments of forgive-n-forget,
misdeeds-or-greatnes…sought,,,a life
drowned ultimately…in perpetuity